


In My Place

by miss_whimsy



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 13:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8447941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_whimsy/pseuds/miss_whimsy
Summary: Robert's first thought when he woke up was that today he was finally marrying Aaron.His second thought was that the last time he'd woken up on his wedding day, he'd killed someone.Things went downhill after that.





	

Robert's first thought when he woke up was that today he was finally marrying Aaron.

His second thought was that the last time he'd woken up on his wedding day, he'd killed someone.

Things went downhill after that.

*

The shower was scalding. Robert's fingers clenched into fists against the tile as he kept his head bent under the spray. His back hurt. He didn't care.

"Oi,” Vic shouted through the door, banging on it a couple of times. “Don't go using all the hot water. I know you want to look gorgeous, but I'd like to smell better than this barn you're dragging us to.”

He scrambled to turn the shower off and heard a pleased “thank you” from his sister. He took a deep breath. Then another. His arms were an angry shade of red. No doubt his back looked worse. 

Air. He needed air.

*

“I made you breakfast,” Vic called out when he barrelled down the stairs heading straight for the door. "Where are you going?”

“Out,” he answered, ignoring the follow-up questions she shouted as she chased after him. She reached him before he reached the car and grabbed his arm, making him hiss. 

"Robert, what's going on? You can't just go out. It's your wedding day.”

His hands were shaking so hard he couldn't get the key in the car door. 

“Shit.”

“Robert, you are scaring me now.”

“I'm fine,” he yelled, finally getting the door open. “Back off.”

*

“Robert!” Victoria yelled at the disappearing car. “Robert!

“Victoria?” 

Vic jumped slightly when Bernice grabbed her arm. 

“What's the matter, sweetheart?”

“Are you going to the pub?” 

“I was going to do you first,” Bernice said, lifting her makeup case. “Are you going to tell me what's going on?”

“I need Adam,” Vic said. “Rob’s just driven off and. ..”

“Let’s go then,” Bernice said. “We can fix it.”

*

_“Did you think the were the only one?”_

Robert gripped the steering wheel tighter, watched his knuckles turn white. Maybe if he just kept driving, the thoughts would- 

The blare of a horn brought him back to himself and he swerved out of the way of the oncoming car, into the verge, and stopped.

“Breathe,” he whispered to himself, but it was Katie’s face that swam up before his eyes and then fell, down and down, over and over.

He shoved open the car door, stabbing at the seat belt clip until he was free to collapse on the grass and throw up.

*

“It’s only me,” Bernice called out, letting herself into the pub. 

“We’re in here,” Liv called. “Though none of them are actually functional yet.”

Bernice took in the scene around the dining table in a second; Chas propping her head up with one hand while the other was loosely curled around a mug of steaming coffee, Adam half asleep against his folded arms, Liv eating a bowl of cereal and looking faintly disgusted with everyone.

“Where’s Aaron?”

“In the shower,” Liv said. “I thought you were doing them first.”

“Well his highness decided on an extra thirty minutes of beauty sleep, so they’re running behind. You look ready to get started though.”

“Do I have to wear make-up?”

“Yes,” Chas told her. “It’s one day. It’ll make Aaron happy.”

“Aaron won’t care,” Liv interrupted. 

“It’ll make everyone else happy then,” Chas snapped back, not unkindly. “Please Liv, let’s not have any fighting today. This is supposed to be the happiest day of my son’s life and God knows he deserves it. So, please. For me.”

Liv nodded, chastened. 

“Right then,” Bernice said into the ensuing silence. “I think we all need a glass of champagne. Hair of the dog will set you two right and it’s about time we got the party started.” She walked over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle. “Adam, Victoria’s outside. She said she needed to talk to you about Aaron’s present.”

Adam groaned. “It’s exactly when Robert put it. I haven’t touched it.”

“Then can you go and tell her that please?” Bernice insisted. “And then maybe have a shower yourself because you don’t exactly smell like sunshine and daisies.”

“They’re getting married in a barn,” Adam pointed out, but slowly pushed himself to his feet and shuffled towards the door.

“It’s not even a nice barn,” Liv said, “like those ones that are converted just for weddings and that. It’s a tatty old pile. Why are they getting married there?”

“Sentimental reasons,” Chas told her with a fake smile.

“Robert said it was about creating better memories,” Liv said. “Whatever that means.”

Bernice choked on her champagne and shared a look with Chas.

“If we give you a glass of bubbly will you stop asking questions?”

“Yeah.”

*

_“This isn’t a love story.”_

Robert walked. His hands were shaking too hard for him to drive now, but he couldn’t stay still. He had to keep moving.

The trees were surrounding him before he knew it and there were words bouncing around inside his head. That one little sentence that led to another and another. So many stupid words. So many stupid mistakes. Why did he never think? Why did he have to lose his temper and lash out? He’d never wanted anyone dead. Not for longer than that first flush of anger that always ended in him hurting someone. Katie, Paddy, Chas. If he could snap his fingers and take it all back he would. If he knew then what he knew now, he’d have told Aaron he loved him, he’d have called off the wedding. He’d have told Katie to tell whoever she liked, to prove him wrong. He’d have begged for forgiveness and he would have proven himself.

But life didn’t work that way. 

And that wasn’t even all of the truth, was it? There was one person he’d have killed in cold blood. He’d have wrapped his hands around the man’s neck and squeezed the life out of him and he would have enjoyed every second of it. 

Aaron hadn’t wanted that, so Robert hadn’t tried. 

“He’s not my fucking conscience,” Robert whispered, stumbling against a tree root and catching himself against the trunk. “I can’t put that on him.”

*

“I’m here, babes,” Adam said, stepping out of the front door of the pub, making Victoria jump up from the picnic table she was sitting on. “I do have the worst hangover in the world though, so if you have a bacon butty handy, I could really go for-”

“Robert’s gone,” Victoria told him, grabbing his arm.

“Gone where?”

“I don’t know,” Vic hissed at him. “He was in the shower for ages and then when I told him to hurry up he just threw on some jeans and made a run for his car.”

Adam ran his hands through his hair, frustrated, and then grabbed Vic’s hands. “Have you tried ringing him?”

“Oh no, I hadn’t thought of that,” Vic said, bitingly, holding out Robert’s phone to him. “He left it behind. Why would he do that?”

“Well it means he’s coming back, doesn’t it,” Adam said, trying to keep his voice positive even while his mind buzzed with thoughts of where Robert was and what he was doing, who he was doing, why he wasn’t here getting ready to marry the man he claimed to love. He was going to kill Robert for this.

“You have to go and find him,” Vic urged. “Now. You have to go and you can’t tell Aaron.”

“Can’t tell me what?”

Adam didn’t need to see the way Vic covered her mouth with her hands to know that Aaron was standing behind them.

*

_“You’re nothing to me.”_

He’d tried. For over a year now he’d been trying, really hard, to be better. To be what Aaron deserved, because Christ, Aaron deserved everything. He deserved better than him. Better than Robert and his broken brain and his vicious tongue and his heavily fortressed heart. Aaron deserved someone who hadn’t lied and cheated and hurt him over and over again. 

So maybe he could just go now. Disappear. Leave his car in the ditch. He could get out of his life for good. Leave the path open for Aaron to have someone better than him. Someone who was good enough for him. 

“Selfish.” 

The word reverberated in his head. Would it be easier? Better? Half the people in the village would throw a party if he never came back. Aaron would hate him. He’d grieve. He’d lose a little bit more of what made him, him. 

The best person Robert had ever known. The best thing his life had ever touched. 

Robert squeezed his eyes closed as more words piled in, shouted angrily across a courtroom. Bitter and filled with hate and love and fear and so much pain. Pain he had caused. Could he ever make up for that? Had he even scratched the surface of everything he owed? He knew the answer. He didn’t know if he was capable of doing it.

*

_“It wouldn’t be fair on you.”_

“You have to calm down,” Adam shouted as Aaron took off at a sprint, around the side of the pub. “Aaron.”

Aaron wasn’t listening. There were many reasons that Robert could’ve run today and most of them would have occurred to Adam, a few less to Vic. But Aaron didn’t doubt Robert’s love for him anymore. He didn’t doubt them. 

That there was a ‘them’ at all was still something that made Aaron pinch himself from time to time. He’d wake up some mornings, with Robert clinging to him like a limpet, and watch the rays of light through the curtains making patterns on his face. He’d loved that face for so long. Knew it as well as his own. He would watch Robert’s face and think of every moment that had brought them there. So much pain and suffering and anger. But so much love and trust too. 

He’d trusted Robert with his heart twice now. The first time, Robert had crushed it in his hand and let the dust fly away. The second time he’d nurtured it, cherished it, loved it, kept it as though it was the most precious thing he owned. He wouldn’t destroy it now.

Not unless he destroyed himself.

Aaron ignored Adam and Vic as they chased him. He ignored his mother and Liv as they ran out to see what all the fuss was about. He was speeding away from the village before he was aware he was in his car.

He knew where Robert was going.

*

_“You’re the worst mistake I ever made.”_

There were some things too horrible to contemplate. Things that had happened in his life that Robert liked to push down and never think about. Things he’d done that hurt too much to remember. Now he couldn’t stop. They stacked up in his mind, wave after wave reminding him of what he was and what he’d done.

Robert knew every field, wood, stream and barn for miles in every direction. One of the perks of living in the middle of nowhere was spending your childhood roaming the countryside, learning all its secrets. His feet could carry him anywhere with very little attention on his part. 

He should have known they’d carry him here.

*

_“You’re the strongest person I know.”_

Aaron had barely stopped when he found Robert’s car at the side of the road. The keys had still been in the ignition, which told him all he needed to know about Robert’s mental state.

He wasn’t surprised that it had happened today; his own memories had been haunting him for a couple of weeks. He wished he’d done something sooner, but Robert’s way of dealing with things was to lock them away in a box in his head and never go near it, and he’d do everything he could to keep you away from the box too. Wedding planning, parenting, sex. So much sex. Why had Aaron let himself be distracted when he’d known exactly what Robert was doing?

Last week, Robert had had a nightmare. It had started with him kicking Aaron, something he rarely did anymore. Aaron had curled closer, stroking the frown from Robert’s face, whispering to him that it was okay, he was safe. Robert had pulled him tight against his chest, murmuring nonsense until the nonsense turned into “Aaron” and “please” and “love you.” 

There were words that Robert had said to him in the past that had cut him deeper than any mark he’d made on his own body. There were things he’d done that Aaron had once thought he’d never be able to forgive. 

But then there were other words. Ones that had healed him. Healed them. Words that Aaron liked to take out of his own special memory box and play whenever he felt sad or scared. 

Robert had earned Aaron’s forgiveness. Now he just needed to forgive himself.

*

Wylie’s Farm haunted Robert’s mind more than any other place ever could. He stood at the bottom of the hill staring up at it and thought it hadn’t changed much in two years. Just the whole world and all the people in it. 

“I knew you’d come here.”

Robert froze. 

“You’re not supposed to be here.” He glanced towards the road, to Aaron leaning against the bonnet of his car.

“Neither are you,” Aaron said, with a shrug. “Vic’s going out of her mind. Adam thinks you’ve done a runner.”

Robert looked back towards the farmhouse. “I didn’t want her to die.”

“I know.”

The words were softly spoken, gentle but firm. 

“How can you know that?”

“Because you wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

Aaron pushed himself away from the car and walked towards Robert slowly, as though he were approaching a frightened animal.

Robert backed away a couple of steps. Aaron stopped.

“How can you even bear me touching you?” Robert asked, his voice breaking as he looked longingly at Aaron’s outstretched hand. 

“There was a long period of time I couldn’t,” Aaron said, honestly. He stepped forward again, taking a chance. “There was a long period of time when just seeing your face or hearing your name made me sick to my stomach.”

Robert closed his eyes against the tears, dropping his head, but determined to hear Aaron out. He owed him that.

“But even then I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone,” Aaron confessed. “I didn’t believe we’d get here, back then. And I didn’t believe you could change until you did. Through all of it, I loved you. Always and forever.”

Robert’s breath shuddered in his lungs and the tears ran freely down his face. “I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Aaron told him, taking the final step and catching Robert in his arms. “I forgive you.”

They sank carefully to the ground, Aaron holding Robert close as he cried out his contrition. 

*

_"I just want to be myself now. With you.”_

Aaron drove Robert back to his car and handed over his keys. “And you say my parking’s bad.”

“I was trying to avoid a crash.”

“Oh, well that makes it all better,” Aaron said. “Go on. I’ll follow you back. Make sure you actually get up the aisle in one piece.”

Robert nodded but didn’t make a move to get out of the car. “Thank you.”

“Well I figured I owed you one,” Aaron said. “I mean, you have saved my life twice now.”

“Right.”

Aaron smiled and leant close to kiss Robert’s cheek. “Oh, and of course there’s the fact that I can’t live without you.”

Robert rested his head against Aaron’s. “Me neither.”

“Then go,” Aaron told him, pushing him out of the car. “I actually want to get married at some point today.”

“Aaron,” Robert said seriously, leaning back into the car as he made to close it.

“I know,” Aaron said before Robert could say another word. “Tell me again when you’ve made an honest man out of me.”

Robert smiled and nodded once, closing the car door. 

He walked back towards his car feeling lighter than he had in a long time.

Today he was finally marrying Aaron.


End file.
